Milestones

It is inevitable. Whenever Liam and I are out and about together, there is a high probability that he will utter the dreaded words “go potty?!” He says it with a sort of desperate tone in his voice, as though he has been holding it and is now about to burst. One may wonder why the dread at hearing these words. Well, Liam is 9 ½ now and it is beginning to feel a bit odd to take him into the women’s restroom with me. Honestly, I don’t really care that much right now. If we get any strange looks I take solace in knowing that if someone spent even one minute with him they would understand. However, I know that time is ticking and it won’t be long before it is absolutely not an option.
A couple of years ago, I mentioned (well, more like pleaded) with Gary to start working on Liam using a public bathroom on his own. Gary didn’t understand why I felt the need for this. In fact, I recall him saying something like “you would leave him all alone in a public bathroom?” “Yes, I would. I can’t go in the men’s room and he is getting too old to go into the women’s.” Gary has always been a little overprotective of the kids and is constantly fearful that someone is going to steal them. I explained to him that I let Claire use the restroom by herself all the time because I have to stay out in the store with Liam. “I can’t leave Liam alone in a store if she has to go and, you know what, she is fine!” I think he was a little miffed at me for this as he muttered something about her being too young. Well, two years have passed since this conversation and not much has happened with public bathroom training 101. I think the reasons for this are simple. Gary is rarely shopping with both kids by himself and he can accompany Liam in the men’s room. Consequently, it just doesn’t come up for him as a problem.
Recently, I was with Liam at Fred Meyer, a large grocery store chain that also sells clothing, electronics, furniture, well…just about anything you might need. Liam and I were just about to check out when he informs me of the urgency to go potty. In the past if I encouraged Liam to use the men’s restroom he would emphatically refuse. “No! Mommy come too” he would say with panic in his voice. He would pull my hand trying to drag me in there with him. Ultimately, I would give up and take him into the women’s. In fact, in the past, Liam was actually terrified of almost all public restrooms. He would ask to go, but once we got there, he would panic and refuse to go. If I knew he really needed to go I would just pull his pants down and plop him on the toilet, holding him there until he went. Nowadays, he seems to have a love for the public potty with all the toilets to flush, automatic paper towel dispensers and the like. So, on this one day at Fred Meyer I decided to try for the men’s room again. I opened the door and said “go in.” Of course Liam said “no!” “Go on buddy, you’ll be okay. Mommy will be right here waiting for you.” To my surprise, in he went. I was so shocked! No fight, no panic, no pulling on my arm. Then it hit me…what if he doesn’t come out? I really didn’t think he would go in, so I didn’t set any expectations at the onset or have a well thought out plan. I couldn’t hear anything going on in there at first. I wondered if he would even go. Then a dad and his two boys went in. After a bit I started to hear some toilet’s flushing. Then some more, and some more. Hmmm, is that Liam or just the dad and his kids. Out came the dad and his kids. The dad says to me “he’s still in there,” seeming to know that Liam was mine and I was wondering. “Thanks.” I thought about asking if he would go get him, but I wanted to see what would happen if I gave it some more time. I could hear the toilet’s flushing again. Now I knew it was Liam having a heyday in there. I opened the door and peeked in “Liam, come on out buddy.” I don’t think he could hear me with all the flushing going on. Fortunately, another man came by and said “do you have a youngster in there?” “Yes I do!” “What’s his name? I’ll get him” he said as though it was the most normal thing on the planet to have a boy not leave the bathroom. Perhaps it is, I really wouldn’t know. Thankfully, this man went in and ushered him out without incident. Liam ran up to me and grabbed my hand. Ewww was all I could think. What must he have touched in there? I rinsed his hands off in the drinking fountain outside the bathroom; at least it felt like I was doing something to decontaminate his hands. Despite all of this, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy and pride! Liam had actually parted with me to use the restroom in a public place, all by himself. I’m pretty sure he actually went, and he did come out with his pants pulled up, which was a huge relief! I called Gary on his cell and told him, I just had to share the good news with someone that would get how huge this was. Gary was happy and not at all mad that I had let Liam out of my sight for a few minutes and allowed a perfect stranger to apprehend him. I felt pretty high all day and was eager to share my story with anyone that would listen.
One of the people I had the occasion to share my story with was one of my coworkers who has an adult son with Autism. I knew that she would get it, as she can appreciate all of the milestones we track in our kids that aren’t on any developmental chart. She was congratulatory, of course, but then went on to tell me about all the public potty related milestones to come. The airport bathroom, truck stop bathroom (where her son actually locked himself in and then couldn’t figure out how to unlock the door), and on and on. My joy started to dissipate a bit with the realization of what lay ahead. I was under the mistaken impression that once I figured out how to get him to go in, do his business, and come out, we would be done. How naive of me! She did give me one very important pearl of wisdom – hand sanitizer! How perfectly simple, why hadn’t I thought of that?
Just like everything else, moving forward for Liam is measured in baby steps. I have to not let the long road ahead interfere with the accomplishment of today. I really am proud of him and he has to start somewhere, even if that somewhere is just letting go of needing Mommy by his side and walking into a bathroom all by himself for the first time.