Manly Men

It was two weeks before Christmas 2008. Liam was seven, Claire was five, and Angie and I were…well that’s not important. We were approaching the weekend and gearing up to get a Christmas tree. Although I like Christmas, I have a hard time with things like shopping, and decorating, and baking, and wrapping, and all the stuff that we are supposed to be as excited about as the kids are. The one thing I do like is getting the Christmas tree. I used to not like to get the Christmas tree because we used to just go out and buy one from a lot. The last time we went to get a lot tree was about four years before. I remember Angie and I at the lot with Liam and Claire all bundled up. Liam was four and Claire was two. We spent about an hour there looking at all the trees to find the perfect one. When I say we, I mean Angie. I basically stopped caring what tree we got after the first three times I was chastised for my suggestions:
“How ‘bout that one?”
“No, that’s a dog dressed up like a Christmas tree.”
I found out very quickly that I have no taste in Christmas trees so I would just silently tag along with the kids while Angie selected the absolute best tree in the northwest.
I would just say to myself, “This would only take five minutes if I were here by myself.”
Then I would answer, “Yes but do you really want to be accused of Ruining Christmas by picking the wrong tree? Remember, you used to decorate your overgrown philodendron for Christmas back when you had your own place.”
“Yes, my own place…(sigh)…but your right. I need to just smile and nod.”

So after Angie selected the perfect tree we took it up to the tree lady, and the tree lady said, “Eighty five dollars please.”
“Ha, funny” I said.
The tree lady didn’t laugh. She just stared at me.
“Oh really?” I said. “Eighty five dollars?”
“Yes sir. It’s a real beauty.”
“Yes I know. We live in the northwest. We’re surrounded by them. I could just go out and hit one with my car and drag it home and it wouldn’t cost me anything… if you don’t count car damage repair.”
“Well, sir you are welcome to do that.”
“I think I will. Come on Honey.”
As we were leaving Angie said, “So, what’s your plan here?”
“We’ll go to a U cut place tomorrow and cut one ourselves. The tree lady doesn’t have to know we didn’t run it over.”
“Are there U cut places around here?”
“They’re all over. I think there is one on Sauvie Island. It’s gotta be cheaper than eighty-five bucks. That’s just ridiculous.”

So I looked it up when we got home and sure enough there was a U cut farm on Sauvie Island. We had been going there for years to hike, buy produce, and get pumpkins for Halloween. The kids loved it and so did we. I don’t know why we never thought of it before.

We drove to the U cut farm the next day. They give you a tree saw and a cart and let you loose on the unsuspecting trees. Liam loved it. He wanted to carry the saw and I let him until it was clear that he wanted to saw everything in his path; every tree, the cart, his shoe, a squirrel. I figured I had better hold the saw until Angie found the perfect tree. We didn’t really mind it taking so long because we all just loved being out there walking through the trees and getting into the whole experience. When Angie finally did choose the tree she wanted, I cut it down with Liam “helping” me hand over hand with the saw. He helped me load it into the cart with great glee. We took it back to the tree lady who bundled it for us and charged us forty-five dollars; forty-five dollars for the tree and the experience. This is the first year I started to really get into Christmas, and we did the U cut tree ever since.

So, back to Christmas of 2008. Two weeks before Christmas and we were ready to get it going when Angie got a call from a family member in Indiana. Her Grandpa was really sick and not expected to be around much longer. We decided that Angie would go out to Indiana to see her grandpa for the last time, and since he had never met Claire, Angie would take Claire with her. The timing was bad but it was what it was. It took a day to get our minds wrapped around it but we figured they would go for five days and be back in time for Christmas.
“I guess that means Liam and I will have to get the tree by ourselves.” I said.
“Oh.” I could tell what she was thinking.
“I know.” I said. “You think we’ll get a crappy tree.”
“Um…yeah.”
“Well you know what? You’re right. I know there is no chance of Liam and I picking the tree you would pick, but you’re gonna love it anyway because we picked it out.”
She let out a big sigh. “Yeah. I know I will…but just try, OK?”
“Of course.”

We took Angie and Claire to the airport and Liam and I started driving back to the house.
“You know what this means buddy?” I said to Liam in the back seat.
“We are on our own, man.”
“Own.”
“Just two manly men hangin’ out for five days.”
“Man.”
“We can do whatever we want. We can hang out in our boxers…”
“Boxers.”
“We can get movies from the movie store…”
“’vie store.”
“And on Saturday you and I get to go get a Christmas tree.”
“Kismas tree! Yeah. Kismas tree!”
“You want to get a Christmas tree?”
“Yeah! Kismas tree!”
“OK then, we’ll go on Saturday.”
This was Thursday so all I heard for the next two days was “Kismas tree? Kismas tree?” accompanied by two of the biggest brown eyes looking straight at mine. Liam has big eyes anyway, but when he really wants something he has an uncanny ability to make them twice as big and twice as irresistible.

We made the best of our time together as manly men. We reinstituted the pants optional policy I had in my single days and rented manly movies like Thomas The Tank Engine and The Brave Little Toaster. We ate chips on the couch and drank single malt scotch and smoked Dominican cigars…well it was really apple juice and gluten free pretzel sticks but it felt manly. All the while I was deflecting Liam’s intermittent requests to go get the “kismas tree” until Saturday.

Saturday came around and when Liam and I woke up the outside world was covered in snow. Not only that, but more snow was falling from the sky at a very rapid rate. I won’t say it never snows in Portland but we rarely get snowstorms like this and never at Christmas time. It usually just rains for Christmas. Liam knew this was Christmas tree day because I had made that clear the day before after every time he said “kismas tree.” He was very excited to go and I was having serious doubts about driving anywhere. The Jeep wasn’t running and all we had was our little Saturn Wagon to venture out in. I wouldn’t have been too worried if I could drive the Jeep, because it had four wheel drive, but the Saturn only had front wheel drive. Looking out the window, I saw no cars on the road.
“Kismas tree?” Liam said with the same intensely big eyes and an excited grin on his face.
“Buddy, I don’t know if we can go. Look at the snow outside.”
“Snow…kismas tree?” Still excited.
I knew if I explained it to him it would take a while for him to understand and then he would probably throw a fit but I also knew he would get over it, but looking into those eyes and looking at how excited he was, I was starting to get as equally disappointed as I knew he would be. I started to think; “Is it that bad? I know there are no other cars out there but people in Portland panic and the city shuts down for even a little bit of snow. Most people don’t know how to drive in snow but I do. Visibility is pretty low but if I just go slow and steady, take my time it should be fine.”
I know this was a bad decision but I didn’t have a bad feeling about it when I said to Liam “OK buddy, let’s get ready to go.”
Liam lit up like a kismas tree and we went to get on all of our gear. We put on our boots, gloves, hats, scarves (Liam chose one of Claire’s manly pink scarves), and coats. We stepped out on the porch into the snowstorm and quickly stepped back inside. It was colder than we thought so we put some pants on, and we were on our way.

We got in the car and as I pulled out into the crunching snow with Liam chanting “Kismas tree. Kismas tree” Between giggles, I was envisioning the newspaper headlines: “Manly man and son trapped in snow covered car for three days surviving off accumulation of French fries and raisins thrown on the car floor by resourceful son months before.” I went slow and easy squinting my eyes thinking that it was helping me see through the accelerating snowflakes. It usually took about fifteen minutes to get to Sauvie Island but I was going so slow that I think it took about an hour. There were literally no cars on the road except us. Liam was clearly not worried in his kismas tree nirvana. I told myself I wasn’t worried and I mostly believed me. We worked our way over the bridge and up the country road to where the tree farm was. When we got there, there was nobody there. There was a sign though. Liam and I had to get out of the car to go read it. It said, “Tree farm closed. Going out of business.” We just stood there in the pounding silent snow, cold and silent…standing…staring…cold…
“How could they go out of business?” I thought. “It’s Christmas.”
“Kismas tree.” Said Liam.
“No kismas tree, buddy…it’s closed.”
“Closed.”
“Yep, closed.”
“Kismas tree?”
“Let’s get back in the car.”
“Kismas tree?” His voice was beginning to have a telltale pre meltdown quiver.
“Liam, I will find you a Christmas tree today, OK? We just have to look a little more.”
“Look.” I think something about the snow helped him stay calm. He surprisingly accepted what I had t say and went back to his “kismas tree” chant.

I started to drive us back along the silent, snow covered road wondering where I was going to find a Christmas tree. As I drove past the farm we always go to for produce in season, and for pumpkins in the fall, I could barely make out through the ever-increasing snowflakes, rows of green. The farm would usually shut down after the fall harvest but there was definitely activity there and those were trees in the parking lot. I pulled in and Liam and I got out of the car. The tree lady greeted us warmly and seemed happy to see us.
“Did you guys drive all the way out here from the city?” She smiled.
“Yes we did.” I said in my most manly voice.
“Wow you guys are brave.”
“Yes we are.”
“I haven’t seen many people out and about today. It’s a crazy snow storm but I love it.”
“Yeah it’s fun but maybe not the best idea to be driving out in it right now.”
“Oh, you’re fine. Can I get you some hot cider?”
“Want some cider Liam?”
“Ci…” Said Liam.
“Yeah hot cider. Want some?”
“Yeah”
“I guess two ciders then.”
“I’ll be right back”
While she got our ciders, Liam and I went over to look at the trees. They were already cut of course. They were lot trees but at this point we just needed a tree and I was betting they wouldn’t be eight five dollars.
“Here’s your ciders.” The tree lady said still smiling as she handed us each our cups.
I took a sip of mine and Liam poured his out into the snow.
“Liam come on.” I said. “I’m sorry he um…”
“Oh that’s OK.” She said. “He got what he wanted out of it.”
Liam giggled and watched the steam rise as the cider melted the snow.
“…You’re the coolest tree lady ever.” I said.
“You’re still gonna pay for it of course.”
“Of course.”
“Well should we look at some trees since you came all this way?”
We started looking at the trees that were half covered in snow and were getting colder by the minute; at least I was. Liam doesn’t always seem effected by cold and he has a pretty high pain threshold. I really didn’t want to stay too long picking out a tree but I didn’t want Angie to be completely disappointed in whatever tree we got. Then I got a brilliant idea. If I let Liam pick the tree all by himself there was no way she could be disappointed if she knew he chose it.
“Liam, which Christmas tree do you like?”
“That one?”
“No, that’s a dog dressed up like a Christmas tree.” I did learn something over the years.
“That one.” He said pointing to a decent sized tree.
“We’ll take that one.” I said to the tree lady. “How much is it?”
“That one’s forty five dollars.”
“That’s a good price. Same as the U cuts”
“That’s because they were all grown on the island.”

We paid for the tree and tied it to the roof of the car and finished just before my fingers were about to fall off.
“Have a safe trip home.” She said warmly.
“Thanks a lot tree lady.” I said as I finished securing Liam in his seat.

We inched our way along the road just as we had on the way there. The snow never let up and it took another hour to get home. Liam was all happy babbling and giggles the whole way.

When we got home we pulled the tree into the house and set it in the stand. Liam had to be right on in it with me from “helping” carry it in the house to “lifting” it into the stand and helping turn the screws on the stand. When we were done we had a pretty decent tree mostly straight in the stand emitting the Christmas tree smell.
“Deck?” Said Liam.
“Oh no buddy, we have to wait for mommy to decorate it. We would definitely screw that up.”
“Screw.”
“How about we build a fire?”
“Fire! Yeah!” Liam loves fire. Probably a little too much but it really makes him happy when we have a fire in the fireplace.
“How about some popcorn too?”
“Yes.”

So we sat in front of the fire in our boxers eating popcorn reflecting on our adventure.
“I’d say it was a pretty manly day, huh buddy?”
“Man.”